Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – AUGUST 22 - 28, 2005
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MEDIA
Cosmo Turns 40: Still Spicy, Sexy, Smart, Fun, Fearless & Female
With a saucy smidgeon of cosmetic surgery, a flirty fistful of anti-depressants.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Lowbrow Movies Dominate
Summer Box Office

Studios counting on Fall releases to sink even lower.
“Desperate Housewives”
Star Injured on Set

Expected to recover fully from bruised ego.
 
BUSINESS
Bush Administration Insists on
Allowing Truckers to Drive for
11 Hours Straight

Victims of resulting accidents will be treated by young doctors working 36-hour shifts in emergency rooms.
Sale on Used iBooks for $50 Causes Stampede in Virginia, Scores Injured
Apple stock up sharply in heavy trading.
SCIENCE
Plan Announced for Midwest to Reintroduce Lions, Elephants, Cheetahs
And a few Democrats.
Scientists to Grow Test Tube Meat
For scientists who leave their lunch at home.
 
Newborns Exposed to Mozart Perform Better in Life, Says Study
More likely to become court musicians.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Two-Thirds of Americans Overweight
Other third too busy eating to get weighed.
Research: Men Have Trouble
Hearing Women

And the feeling is mutual.
 
CORRECTION
In a recent article under the headline, “There's Still Hope,” we mistakenly reported that 68% of Americans accept the theory of evolution while only 28% believe in Satan. In fact, 68% believe in Satan while only 28% accept the theory of evolution. We apologize for the error, and retract the entire article.

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