Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – SEPT 26 - OCT 2, 2005
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PEOPLE
Drug Company Sales Manager Wins Mrs. America Contest
Sings “Mother's Little Helper” to win talent competition.
Elvis's First House Nominated to National Registry of Historic Places
Suburban Memphis home has two bedrooms, nineteen bathrooms.
 
SPORTS
Barry Bonds Poised to
Pass Babe Ruth

Only record Ruth still holds is Total Hot Dogs Consumed, 60 (for a nine-inning game).
 
RELIGION
Vatican Expected to Ban
Gays From Seminaries

Pedophiles will still be welcome.
Ultra-Condensed “100-Minute Bible” Makes Its Debut
Faces stiff competition from soon-to-be- published “90-Minute Bible.”
The EPA is using the wake-up call of Hurricane Katrina to:
A )Review minimum standards for protecting coastal wetlands serving as natural barriers against hurricanes.
B )Challenge overdevelopment which causes erosion in flood-prone river valleys.
C )Gut the Clean Air Act.
Hint: Can you spell “waiver”?

Who is going to pay for the reconstruction effort in the wake of Katrina, and how will they do it?
A )Our wealthiest and most powerful citizens, who make the lion's share of campaign contributions, will be required to give up their huge tax cuts.
B )Our senior citizens, who vote in larger numbers than any other group, will be required to give up their Medicare drug benefits.
C )Our yet unborn children and grandchildren, who neither vote nor make campaign contributions, will be required to pay for all of it, and also our tax cuts and the war in Iraq.
Hint: if you don't know the answer to this one, you haven't been paying attention.

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