Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – OCTOBER 3 - 9, 2005
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PEOPLE
Trumps Expecting
Public prepares for lavish baby shower, excessive pampering, finest schools, disappointment, lurid scandal, lawsuits, marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, sex change operation, tell-all novel, tragic auto accident, celebrity-filled funeral.
 
SPORTS
Baseball Players Agree to Stiffer Penalties For Steroid Use
Proposal backed by all infielders, some pitchers, a couple of outfielders and no designated hitters.
China Launches Etiquette Campaign in Preparation for '08 Olympics
Asks citizens to write gracious thank-you notes, stop urinating in public.
 
ART
Painting by Da Vinci, Not One of His Students, Says Art Historian
Claims portrait was part of Da Vinci's series, “The Women of Renaissance Art Schools.”
FEATURE
David Dreier, one of the GOP leaders assuming power in the wake of Tom DeLay's stepping down, opposes gay marriage and gay rights because:
A )As a matter of principle he will not allow his private life to influence his political judgments.
B )He feels he would not be fairly representing the views of his constituents if he did otherwise.
C )Forbidden sex is only hot because it's forbidden. Why take the fun out of it?

President Bush has devised a conservation plan to meet the crisis caused by dwindling supplies of fossil fuels. The plan
A )Requires car manufacturers to increase miles per gallon standards on all models.
B )Provides massive federal funding for alternate energy research & development.
C )Calls on Americans to voluntarily curtail unnecessary automobile trips.
Hint: Which of these ideas requires the least effort and offends the smallest number of Republican campaign donors?

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