Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 3 - 9, 2006
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SPORTS
MLB Names Former Senator George Mitchell to Lead Steroid Probe
But choice proves controversial.
Little League World Series Pushes Fences Back 25 Feet
Simultaneously relaxes steroid ban.
 
EDUCATION
No Child Left Behind Law
Forcing Out Study of History,
Science From Schools

Just like in White House.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Write Your Own News Story! Just fill in the blanks in this Reusable News Template!

While public attention was focused on the ____ scandal, the House of Representatives quietly passed a bill promoted by the _____ industry which wipes away all protections passed by the states to protect the public from _____ and ______ caused by ______ and _____ in ______. The bill, which was passed without any hearings, will simplify regulation by voiding laws passed by the states in response to ____ cases of _____ in _____. The _____ industry will now be free to put as much ____ in _____, subject only to federal standards currently being studied by the Office of _____, an agency which has no actual employees at the present time.
FEATURE
What is the best reason not to censure Bush?
A )Constitution vague on unreasonable search and seizure.
B )Won't know if he broke the law until Republican Congress has thoroughly investigated charges, determined he didn't.
C )Even if he did break the law, he only did it to make us safe from dangerous vegetarians.
D )God called on him to lead us.
Hint: Do you want to censure God?
 
HIGH TECH
MIT Developing Device to
Alert Autistic When They're
Being Boring, Irritating

Tested successfully at this year's Oscars.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Discovery of “Furry Lobster” Excites Marine Biologists
And furriers.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
Congress Okays Drilling in Alaskan
National Wildlife Refuge

Measure added at last minute to annual
Daylight Savings Proclamation.

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