Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MAY 29 - JUNE 4, 2006
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PEOPLE
Prince Charles Touts Traditional Cures Like Acupuncture, Herbal Remedies
Occasional animal, human sacrifice.
Britney Spears No Longer
Follower of Kabbalah

Claims reading it gave her a headache.
Bush Dismisses Gore's Global Warming Movie as Mere Speculation
Will instead see The Da Vinci Code.
 
BUSINESS
GM Offers Some Buyers of Largest
Gas Guzzlers Special Deal on Gas,
“Capping” Price at $1.99 Per Gallon

Instant nominee for Most Environmentally Insane Idea of the Year award.
 
NEW PRODUCTS
Toyota Offers Car Which Parks
Itself as $700 Option

For another $500 it will carry you up to bed, tuck you in.
Nike Introduces iPod Shoe
Aimed at illegal file-sharers on the run.
SCIENCE
Study: Video Games Reduce
Surgical Errors

Great new excuse: “Mom, I'm training to be a brain surgeon!”
Researchers: Apes Able to Plan Ahead
Most show up for study ten minutes before researchers.
 
Japan: Robotic Hand Developed That Operates by Brainwaves
Researchers believe stunning breakthrough could “revolutionize” dating.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Wisconsin Law Requires Sex
Educators to Present Abstinence
As Preferred Behavior for
Unmarried People

Followed by promiscuity, group sex, homosexual experimentation, incest.
No Decrease in Cancer, Heart
Disease in Older Women From
Lower Fat Diet

According to study sponsored by Haagen- Dazs Institute.

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