Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – OCT 30 - NOV 5, 2006
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PEOPLE
Beset by Problems, President Bush Hasn't Lost His Sense of Humor
Hosts White House Halloween event as whoopie cushion.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Kurt Cobain Passes Elvis in Dead Celebrities' Earnings
But Elvis plans to tour next year, so things could change.
 
MEDIA
U.S. Slips to 53rd in Press Freedom
We trail Panama and Mauritius, but we're way ahead of Turkmenistan and Eritrea.
 
BUSINESS
Diebold Recalls 10,000 Voting Machines
They were too tamper-proof.
Largest U.S. Mortgage Lender
Laying Off 2,500

But none in the Foreclosure Department.
Mark Foley Action Figure Goes on Sale
All proceeds go to his legal defense fund.
SCIENCE
Study: At Present Rate of
Consumption, Humans Will
Need Two Earths by 2050

And three moons.
Complete Works of Darwin Now Available Online
But not in Kansas.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Eating Vegetables
Staves Off Memory Loss

Those trying to forget urged to avoid vegetables.
Study: Americans Burning 1 Billion More Gallons of Gas Than in 1960 Due to Weight Gains
Not to mention the worn-out shocks.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
World's Largest Candy Apple Draws Interest From Guinness
Thousands will try to break record for most teeth lost at one time.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Vocabulary Builders
dunk vt. to hold under water, simulating drowning; to violate the Geneva Convention, to torture, as in ~ in water -- Dick Cheney, October 26, 2006

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