Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 15 - 21, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
Apple's Jobs Announces Latest Breakthrough Product
Two-story iPod holds 50 trillion songs.
 
SPORTS
David Beckham Signs With
LA Galaxy for $250 Million

Positions himself and wife Victoria for inevitable reality series chronicling their materialistic lifestyle, shallow intellects and meaningless existence, resulting in a messy divorce.
Ripken, Gwynn Fail to Make Hall
Only Mark McGwire receives enough votes for enshrinement in Balco Hall of Fame.
 
MEDIA
Public Wants to Know Who, What,
When, Where, Why

In that order.
 
Dear Rudy,
I married a beautiful, accomplished woman who gave up her career to raise our children. I grew bored with her after a few years and had very public affairs with a couple of other women, but I really like my current girlfriend. I’ve enjoyed escorting her around town, but now yearn for a more domestic life. But my wife won’t leave!
  – Annoyed in Albany

Dear Annoyed,
If you haven’t visited a sufficient amount of public humiliation on your wife to get her to move out, have your girlfriend move in. This will create such an awkward situation, especially with the kids, that your wife will be forced to leave eventually. Do I have your vote yet?
 
POLITICS
Administration Will Seek Continuing Bipartisan Advice on Iraq
By talking to Joe Lieberman.

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