| NEW PRODUCTS |
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Apple's Jobs
Announces Latest
Breakthrough Product
Two-story iPod holds 50
trillion songs. |
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| SPORTS |
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David Beckham Signs With
LA Galaxy for $250 Million
Positions himself and wife Victoria for
inevitable reality series chronicling
their materialistic lifestyle, shallow
intellects and meaningless existence,
resulting in a messy divorce. |
|
Ripken, Gwynn Fail to Make
Hall
Only Mark McGwire receives enough votes
for enshrinement in Balco Hall of Fame. |
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| MEDIA |
|
Public Wants to Know Who,
What,
When, Where, Why
In that order. |
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| Dear Rudy, |
| I married a beautiful,
accomplished woman who
gave up her career to
raise our children. I
grew bored with her after
a few years and had very
public affairs with a
couple of other women,
but I really like my
current girlfriend.
I’ve enjoyed
escorting her around
town, but now yearn for a
more domestic life. But
my wife won’t leave! |
| – Annoyed in Albany |
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|
Dear Annoyed, |
| If you haven’t
visited a sufficient
amount of public
humiliation on your wife
to get her to move out,
have your girlfriend move
in. This will create such
an awkward situation,
especially with the kids,
that your wife will be
forced to leave
eventually. Do I have
your vote yet? |
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| POLITICS |
|
Administration Will Seek
Continuing Bipartisan Advice on Iraq
By talking to Joe Lieberman. |
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