Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – AUGUST 13 - 19, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
The Amazing De-Shredder Will Leave You De-Lighted!
Say it's late, you're tired and you're still at the office shredding sensitive documents when — Oh no! — there goes your income tax return! What do you do? You get the De-Shredder, you load all that confetti in and seconds later your perfectly reconstituted document emerges. $499, at all Spy 4 Less stores.
 
SPORTS
21-Year-Old New Yorker Gets Bonds's 756th Home Run Ball
Denies using steroids.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Number of Americans Moving to
Canada at 30-Year High

Parliament will consider 3,000-mile wall.
San Francisco Bans Plastic Bags
All drugs must now be transported in paper bags.
 
THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
August 9, 1490: Torquemada goes off on summer break, snapping “We don't torture” in response to allegations about Spanish Inquisition.
FEATURE
After bundling, packaging, selling and reselling, most of the non-performing, sub-prime loans in the U.S. are currently held by:
  A ) U.S. banks and hedge funds.
  B ) Multinational insurance companies.
  C ) China.
  D ) Nobody knows.
Hint: Some things it's better not to know.
 
EDUCATION
Study: Educational Baby Videos Actually Impede Learning
Parents urged to switch to Road Runner, Bugs Bunny until further notice.
 
CORRECTION
 
Last week we misidentified the building on the left as the headquarters of the Campbell's Soup Company when it is in fact an Andy Warhol Factory Outlet store. We apologize for any confusion.

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