Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – AUGUST 20 - 26, 2007
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MISCELLANEOUS
Fed Giving $354 Million to NYC to Get Traffic Moving
Most of it will go to louder car horns.
 
EDUCATION
  U.S. Drops Out of International Student Math and Science Competition
Enters International Student Chutes and Ladders competition.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
Mattel Recalls Second
Toy in Two Months

“Recall-Me Barbie” comes with her own class action lawsuit form.
 
SPORTS
Analysis: NBA Ref Scandal Unprecedented
It would be as if the maker of electronic voting machines donated heavily to a particular candidate or party.
State Dept. Taps Baseball Great Cal Ripken as Roving Goodwill Ambassador
He'll travel around the globe good-naturedly deflecting questions about Iraq, torture, Darfur, AIDS, starvation, immigration, genocide.
FEATURE
Seismic activity, cited in the recent Utah mine disaster by mine owner Robert Murray is:
A ) an act of God.
B ) an attack on America by aliens from the planet Seismo.
C ) a dangerous mining technique in which the last columns of coal
which are holding up the mine are mined as the miners leave, causing
the vacated areas to collapse.
Hint: the technique is perfectly safe for mine owners.

Since there are so few of them left, a single bluefin tuna sells for $100,000. This means that the remaining bluefin:
A ) are fiercely protected by international laws.
B ) are being transported to protected areas on Mars.
C ) are being pursued and slaughtered more relentlessly than ever.
Hint: you can spend some of the $100,000 on scouting planes and helicopters, and still make money.

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