Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 21 - 27, 2008
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NEW PRODUCTS
Transparent Toaster is Stylish and Useful and a Great Substitute for Television During the Writers Strike
Ever wonder what happens when you stick a slice of bread in the toaster? Now you can find out. Using top-secret classified NASA heat transfer technology and manufactured in China, this gadget from the future makes it easy to get your kids to eat their pop tarts. Like the design, but don't need a toaster? TT doubles as a stylish bill-holder or a place to keep your important papers — just don't plug it in. Comes in no colors. $139, at See-Through Only.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Brain Reacts Positively When Donating to Worthy Cause
Like brain research.
Poll: Children Fear, Hate Clowns
Poll of clowns finds feeling mutual.
Study Identifies Gene Linked
To Longer Lifespan

Also known as Careful Driver gene.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Research: Christopher Columbus Brought Syphilis Back to Europe
In exchange for Christianity.
CONSUMER NEWS
Toy Wrestlers Recalled
Due to excessive amount of steroids in paint.
 
TRENDS
China Experiencing Name
Shortage; 93 Million Named
Wang, 92 Million Li

150 million nicknamed Lefty.
 
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
Spacecraft Sends Back New Photos of Mercury
Or old photos of Mars.
 
SPORTS
Congress Calls on Baseball to Go
After Big-Name Steroid Users

And ask them to autograph some baseballs.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
Phony Phone Call Starts Nuclear War
Prankster pretending to be Pakistani Minister of Defense sets off nuclear exchange with India; 50-70 million dead.

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