Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 4 - 10, 2009
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NEW PRODUCTS
100 MPG Hummer Hybrid Unveiled
Aimed at obnoxious jerks who care about the environment.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Survey: Those Who Attend Church More Likely to Support Torture
Except crucifixion.
 
SPORTS
Swine Flu Affecting Major
Sports Leagues

New regulations issued.
 
   No conferences on pitcher's mound.
   Players must clean rim with antiseptic wipe after dunking.
   Teeth must be sterilized before reinsertion in mouth.
   No-huddle offense only until further notice.
Yankees Slash Prices on Most Expensive Seats
Found that fans were unwilling to pay $2500 to spend three hours watching a mediocre bunch of overpaid over-the-hill bumblers get beaten to a pulp by teams with a tiny fraction of their payroll.
PERSON IN THE STREET
This Week's Question: Who is to blame for the swine flu?
Rep. Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN): "President Obama."
Michelle Malkin, (political blogger): "Illegal immigrants."
Michael Savage, (radio talk show host): "Al Qaeda."
Glenn Beck, (Fox News Channel host): "All of the above, plus communists."
Dr. Richard E. Besser, (Acting Director, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention): "No one is to blame. So-called swine flu is a strain of influenza A virus subtype H1N1 and is unusual because it usually infects pigs. These other people are idiots."

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