Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 16 - 22, 2012
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MISCELLANEOUS
Japanese Department Store Sets Sales Records
In one week, store breaks every fuckin' record for gross receipts.
Homicide No Longer Among Top 15 Causes of Death
It's been overtaken by state-ordered execution.
Doomsday Clock Moved 1 Minute Closer to Midnight
“It's been running a little slow,” says spokesman.
 
POLL
Americans 40% Conservative,
21% Liberal

39% Whatever.
 
SPORTS
NBA: Clippers Suddenly
Among Top Teams

As predicted by Mayan Calendar.
FEATURE
Rick Santorum introduced a bill in Congress to
  A ) ban abortion
  B ) ban atheism
  C ) ban government weather forecasts
Hint: if you already know a hurricane is headed your way, where's the fun?
 
RELIGION
Church Based on File-Sharing Recognized as Religion by Sweden
Challenges traditional religions based on suing copyright infringers up the wazoo.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
$10 Million Prize Offered to Inventor of Device That Works Like “Star Trek” Tricorder
And cameo in upcoming sequel.

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