Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MARCH 16 - 22, 2015
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PEOPLE
Dalai Lama Says He Might Not Be Reincarnated
Or, he might come back as a toaster.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Disneyland to Close Innovations Hall
To make room for cryogenically revived Walt Disney to greet park visitors.
 
PUBLISHING
More News Stories Written by Algorithms
Editorials, too.
 
BUSINESS
Bowing to Consumer Demands,
Dunkin' Donuts Removes
Titanium Dioxide From Its
Powdered Sugar Doughnuts

Insists their doughnuts are “plenty unhealthy without it.”
McDonald's May Add Kale to Menus
As an ingredient in their Unhappy Meals.
SCIENCE
Mars Once Entirely
Covered by Water

Passed law banning use of the term “climate change.”
Scientific Study Finds There
Are Too Many Scientific Studies

One too many.
 
Liquid Metal Brings Shape-Shifting Robots a Step Closer
Get ready for “Transformers: The Reality Series.”
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Anti-Smoking Drug Chantix
May Cause Drinkers to Become
Drunker, More Aggressive,
Prone to Blackouts, Suicide

Other than that, itís safe and effective.
Promising Drug Could Prevent Obesity, Alzheimerís
Resulting in thin old people who remember every goddamn thing you ever said.

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