Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JANUARY 18 - 24, 2016
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PEOPLE
Huxley-Orwell Debate Considered
Over: Both Were Right
Everyone is happily sedated, and under constant surveillance.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Rolling Stone Publishes Sean Penn Interview With El Chapo Guzman, Who Wanted to Make Movie About Himself
Working title: Get Shorty II.
 
BUSINESS
Monthly Consumer Sentiment
Index Released

Public has gone from mildly nostalgic to morbidly melancholic.
Chipotle's Strategy to Win Back Customers: Free Burritos
So far, no takers.
Ringling Bros. Circus Retiring All Their Elephants to Florida
Koko the Signing Gorilla, Shamu call decision “commendable, but long overdue.”
SCIENCE
Detection of Gravitational Waves, Ripples in Space-Time Continuum, Have Cosmologists All Agog
If true, it would confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity and spawn dozens of new time travel movies.
Periodic Table Welcomes
Four New Elements

Emojium, Santorium, Affluenzium, Twerkium.
 
Manatee May Lose Endangered Species Protection
Poach, add lemon and butter, sprinkle with parsley.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Students Who Stand Rather Than Sit Learn More, Perform Better
Preparing them for cushy jobs where they sit more, perform worse.
Army Looking for Volunteers to Eat Nothing But MREs for 21 Days
Applicants must be in good health with less than six months to live.

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