| PEOPLE |
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 Trump
Questions Cruz's Citizenship
Says he'll send him home to Canada if elected. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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TV: ABC Family Changes Name to Freeform
Expands audience to include ménages à trois, communes, cults. |
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| SOCIAL MEDIA |
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Report: Twitter to Expand Maximum
Tweet Length to 10,000 Characters
Still not allowed: substance, wit, cogency. |
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| BUSINESS |
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VW May Buy Back Tens of
Thousands of Diesels Rigged
To Cheat on Emissions Tests
Sell them to Jews, gays, Gypsies. |
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 U.S. Postal
Service Issues Star Wars Stamps
Coming soon: Fifty Shades of Grey stamps. |
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| SCIENCE |
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London Exceeds Yearly Air Polution
Levels in Eight Days
Public urged to remain indoors through New Year's Eve. |
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 World's First
Smart Bra Debuts
Notifies all your Facebook friends when your
nipples get hard. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Latest Government Eating
Guidelines Released
As expected, they include eating lots of dark
chocolate, drinking eight glasses of red wine a day. |
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| RELIGION |
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Scalia: God Good to U.S.
Because U.S. “Honors” Him
But She's not that happy with Scalia. |
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