Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 13 - 19, 2003
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TRAVEL
Carnival Cruise Lines Debuts Newest Ship
The Carnival Pride enters harbor as tugboats spray it with disinfectant.
 
HEALTH /MEDICINE
Study: Brits Have Sex More
Often Than Americans

But they count a good conversation as sex.
Latest: Drink Eight Glasses
Of Scotch and Water a Day

Slightly revises previous advisory.
 
SPORTS
NHL: League Bans All Playing
Any violators will be dealt with harshly.
Olympics Replaces "Faster,
Higher, Stronger"

New motto: "Richer, Smarter, Sneakier."
NBA: Grizzlies Change Name to Presleys
Team has won five of six since the switch.
NEW PRODUCTS
New "Hotsy-Totsy" Coffee Warmer Works With Invisible X-Rays!  We couldn't believe how handy this little gizmo is. It not only heats your coffee to a level worthy of a lawsuit, but it keeps it hot from anywhere within fifteen feet, as long as no one crosses through the powerful beam. $199, at Macy's.
These 3-Day DVDs Are Great!   Ever get sick of a movie after one or two viewings? Then make sure your next DVD has time-sensitive technology. Before you can kick yourself for paying twenty bucks for an Adam Sandler movie - it's gone! The DVD, thanks to clever polymers, self-destructs and becomes unplayable in 72 hours - or, if you're lucky - even sooner. Costs a little more, but well worth it.
Two-Way Telecommunicating Kiosks Popping Up Like Starbucks!
Throw away the cellphone - that is, if you live within a convenient distance of one of these wonders. Enter the mysterious little "booth" through a folding door and you'll find a fully functional cellphone-on-a-wall! The only caveat: you must insert at least twenty-five cents in change (sometimes more) to operate this futuristic device. A great idea!

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