Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DECEMBER 20 - 26, 2004
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PEOPLE
Tenet Receives Nation’s Highest Civilian Award
President presents him with Slam Dunk Medal of Honor, for “falling on his sword to save my ass.”
 
INTERNET
Web to Add Two Domains
New extensions ".john" and ".pimp" will provide more effective high-speed networking for professionals.
 
BUSINESS
SEC Won't Charge Global
Crossing Chief Due to Expiration
Of Statute of Limitations

On SEC promise to punish corporate criminals.
This Year's Hottest Item: Toy
Jewelry Made with Lead

Little Poison Bracelet, Rings of Death, Brain Damage Necklace enjoying brisk sales.
FCC Wants to Review Tape Of Olympics Opening Ceremony
Complaint made by “same guy who called about Janet Jackson,” says spokesman.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Pfizer: Celebrex Doubles
Risk of Heart Attack

But still an effective treatment for arthritis.
  Study: Marrieds Healthier
Than Singles

Less likely to fall ill from drinking, dancing, socializing, partying, having sex.
 
Google to Digitize Every Book In New York Public Library, Put Them Online
Library will remain open as a Starbucks, with Internet access.
 
SCIENCE
Study: 65% of Children Have Imaginary Friends
And 48% of imaginary friends have imaginary friends.
 
CORRECTION
An article which began with the statement, “A working system in need of only minor adjustment may be replaced with an enormously expensive and risky new system which does not and will not work,” was placed under the headline, “Bush Backs Privatizing Social Security.” It should have been placed under the headline, “Missile Defense Fails Another Key Test.” We apologize for the mix-up.

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