Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 20 - 26, 2004
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ODDS 'N ENDS
Santa Glut Threatens Holidays
Law may be amended to allow limited hunting of Santas.
Lincoln Was Gay, Claims New Book
Spurs movement to put him on three-dollar bill.
Hawks Evicted From Fifth Avenue Building Attack Co-Op Board President
Peck his eyes out, feed his liver to chicks.
Scientists Discover Oldest Wine, From 7,000 BC, in Northern China
“It was a bit tangy,” they report, “but after the third bottle we didn't really care.”
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Washington Nationals Moving to Montreal
Team will change name to Expos, play in Olympic Stadium.
Yankees Obtain "Big Unit" in Trade
41-year-old robot signs 20-year, $300 million deal.
Our government has decided to require a special license to publish dissident authors from countries we don't like because:
A ) it's a courtesy to repress authors already repressed in their own countries.
B ) the First Amendment isn't really part of the Constitution per se, which is why they call it an amendment.
C ) if the word "dissident" doesn't set off a few alarm bells, you're still living in a pre 9/11 world. Wake up.
D ) nobody better suited to evaluate the potential danger of a book than a bureaucrat working for the Federal Office of Foreign Assets Control.

The Social Security Crisis

According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will fail to meet promised benefits for the first time in the year 2052, unless the government takes back the tax breaks it has given to:
A ) people like you.
B ) family farmers, small businessmen, and your mother.
C ) you, personally.
D ) those earning over $500,000 a year.

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