Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – FEBRUARY 7 - 13, 2005
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PEOPLE
Hugh Hefner Holds News Conference, Asks for Public's Help
Three of his seven girlfriends are missing.
 
POLLS
Most Americans Optimistic
About Next Four Years

Expect to be transported naked up to heaven before 2009.
 
BUSINESS
New Computerized Mirror Shows
You How You'll Look in 5 Years

And it's shatterproof.
Survey: 4% Bought Something Advertised in Junk E-Mail Last Year
All report satisfaction with their new Rolexes and enlarged penises.
Robotic Dog Goes on Sale
Aimed at people who love dogs, but can't stand companionship, warmth, loyalty, love.
SCIENCE
Study: Unlike Humans, Rats Know When to Stop Eating
But we're identical in other respects.
Conference Told Global Warming Certain to Cause Drought, Disease, Starvation
Conferees panic, run off in all directions.
 
Michael Crichton's Latest Novel Casts Doubt on Global Warming
He'll be signing copies of State of Fear at Barnes & Noble's new store in Antarctica next Thursday.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Scientists Developing Tortilla Chips That Lower Cholesterol
And French fries that build rippling abs.
 
CORRECTION
We recently reported, incorrectly, that GOP lawmakers were pushing a bill to drastically limit the amount of money doctors and executives can earn by severely damaging innocent people. In fact the bill drastically limits the amount of money lawyers can earn by proving doctors and executives have severely damaged innocent people. There is no limit in the bill to what doctors and executives can earn. We regret any confusion caused by our error.

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