Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 2 - 8, 2005
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NATURE
Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, Thought Extinct, Spotted in Arkansas
Shown: two specimens before being shot by Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia.
 
RELIGION
Survey: Two-Thirds of Americans Think They Are Going to Heaven
And are certain their neighbors will end up in Hell.
 
SPORTS
NCAA Adds 12th Game to College Football Schedule
In case of conflict with exams, athletes will have someone else take test for them.
 
CORRECTION
 
A recent report on a speech given by federal appellate court nominee Janice Rogers Brown indicated the judge had complained that a tiny, powerless group who do not share the religious convictions of the vast majority of Americans were victims of threats and harassment by the vastly more powerful majority. In fact, Justice Rogers Brown complained that the vast, powerful majority of Americans were victims of the tiny, powerless minority who do not share their faith. We apologize for the confusion.
SPECIAL FEATURE

When Gas Prices Become Prohibitive: Other Things to Do With Your SUV
1. Tree planter: use that sunroof to allow for as much growth as your tree requires!
2. You've already got the buggy – all you need is the horse!
3. Backyard camper/sleeper: tons o' fun for kiddies of all ages!
4. Pied-a-terre for discreet getaway with that special someone! Push to location of choice.
5. Final resting place for that car nut in your family who's just passed on. Put body in driver's seat, roll into hole, cover with dirt.
 
PEOPLE
Mag: Pitt, Lopez Top Poll of “Best Butts in Hollywood”
Poll results for “Biggest Assholes in Hollywood” will be published next week.

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